Eric Staggs: Writer

I’m going to take this opportunity to break the boundaries of comfortable Geekiness. Ever since I read Gary Gygax’s Gord the Rogue series and discovered there were character sheets for Gord in his various stages of development in the back of the book (yes, I’m that old), I’ve been building character sheets in my head for all characters I’ve come across. Today, I’m breaking down the characters from The Walking Dead. I’m not going to provide full, three page sheets, but I’ll offer the basics – the vitals: Alignment, Class, a few choice stats and some skills. For you young folk, we’re doing this 2^nd Edition Style – when the game was The Game.

Rick: Paladin – 5^th, Lawful Good

We have to start with Rick. He’s obviously our protagonist and he’s got one of the hardest jobs of all: keeping himself together while keeping the rest of the group together. Rick is obviously Lawful Good. He was a cop in his previous life, and now, as a zombie apocalypse survivor he spends most of his time keeping people’s spirits up and killing undead. Sounds like a Paladin to me. One could even go so far as to say he’s used his “Lay On Hands,” ability. And though he summoned (acquired) a mount, he wasn’t strong (or wise) enough to protect it. A common mistake for over-excited 4^th level Paladins. His Turn Undead is pretty weak, but he inspires courage and has an Aura of Protection from Evil (giving everyone else a +1 to hit, morale, etc.). Rick’s biggest problem, aside from the fact that I figure he’s only got 45 hit points, is the same problem all Paladin’s have: his alignment – Lawful Good. Characters who voluntarily sport the LG do so because they believe that everyone follows the same rules. To be clear, everyone does not share the same beliefs. That means the LG characters that keep their word are always going to get burned. Watch your back Rick.

Shane: Fighter – 7^th, Chaotic Evil

I’m going to give Shane two more levels than Rick – he’s been busy while our hero was in Coma-land. Shane may have started out as Chaotic Good or even Neutral Good, but the Zombie Apocalypse has pushed him deep into the realm of Chaotic Evil. I know he’s at least 7^th level, because he attacks 3/2 easily and has about 70 hit points. Probably more, since he’s no doubt got a Constitution score of at least 16. He’s a straight fighter; multiple specializations in ranged weapons but can easily roll with a mace or club if a melee should so require. I know Paladins may not knowingly work with those of Chaotic Evil or Lawful Evil alignment; but as is so often the case with Chaotic Evil characters, Shane hides it pretty well, at least, to the casual observer. By the middle of season two, his near rape of Rick’s wife, commando buzz-cut and outright murder of Otis solidifies him as a Chaotic Evil fighter. If I was running the game and it was house rules, I’d give him a bonus Fate Point and be secretly making Ravenloft Powers Checks for him.

Daryl – Ranger 6^th, Chaotic Good

He’s gruff and ornery and thought I can’t smell him, I imagine he’s got a peculiar aroma. This white-trash zombie-slaying redneck nightmare is, in my opinion, rapidly becoming an audience favorite. Hard to get to know and very independent, his early affiliation with Merle cast him in a rather doubtful light. But it’s easy to see he’s chosen a species enemy of Zombie (+4 to hit), has a double specialization in Crossbow. He’s attacking 3/2 or maybe even 2/1 with a +2 for point-blank shots. He’s one of those characters with an average strength but he’s got a Constitution and Dexterity (and maybe Wisdom too) score of at least 16. His skills make him invaluable to a crew of city-folk, but he’s very much a loner. His frequent hunting and scouting forays are the perfect use of his skills. He’s got a Hide In Shadows and Move Silently of about 70%, but likely has an item that gives him a bonus in rural areas and/or versus undead.

Dale: Cleric 4^th, Neutral Good

Though older, Dale is one of those characters that didn’t find his true calling until late in life. He might have dual-classed from Fighter or Ranger (I’d say 2 levels of Fighter for the d10 hit points and Weapon Proficiencies).  Dale is definitely not a specialty priest – he’s a generic cleric with access to most spheres, but at a lesser level.  Like a Space Marine Chaplain, though perhaps inadvertently, he takes the spiritual well being of the group very seriously. His aversion to death in general would indicate he’s a follower of one of the softer Forgotten Realms Gods – Chauntea or Sune; but then again, he might be a follower of Helm or even Ilmater. He’s a staple however, and though the NPC priest is usually the first to die, it’s good to know that a crafty professional is playing this character. I think the group would come apart without him. Like all Neutral good characters, he just doesn’t have the spiritual wherewithal to commit – like shooting Shane when he took the guns.

Glen – Thief 9^th, Neutral Good

We’re giving glen the levels here because he’s demonstrated a few things that only experienced and wily thieves can: he’s still alive. I’m going to give him at least x2 Backstab, maybe x3. He’s got a Hide In Shadows of 80%+ and a 10% bonus in urban areas (probably due to a Kit or a very clever backstory written by his player). His Move Silently is 80%+ as well. He’s got a Dexterity of 19 (it’s the only explanation for his Initiative modifier and To-Hit with Ranged weapons). However, I think his Strength and Constitution are below 11, which likely give him -1 penalties. At best I’d give him 36 Hit-Points. His Pick Pockets is low for a name-level thief (50%?), but his Open Lock is 80% as well. Probably he has no points in Read Languages either. His climb walls is 99% the maximum it can be. He’s a professional survivor in this Zombie world, but he’s going to have ad some HPs to make it long term with his chosen adventuring party.

Lori – 2^nd Fighter, Chaotic Good then Lawful Good

As a woman with a child to protect in the Zombie Apocalypse, Lori quickly adapted and adopted, finding emotional succor and physical protection with Shane. A character with a high Intelligence (18 maybe) she had a few extra proficiency slots available and used them for Wilderness Survival,

Andrea – 3^rd Fighter, Neutral Evil or Chaotic Evil

Lori is a survivor, but early in her career as a Fighter in the Zombie Apocalypse, she spread her Weapon Proficiencies around a bit too broadly – a necessity when one can’t stop by the blacksmith for a specially weighted long sword or height-calibrated composite bow. She’s just now reached 3^rd level and used her new Weapon Proficiency for a specialization in Ranged Weapons. She’s a character with above average Intelligence (15-17) but a low to average Wisdom (11). Her Charisma is high (16-18) and was likely the only attribute she relied upon before the Zombie Apocalypse. The loss of her sister affected to so profoundly that she’s truly lost her way. Now she’s struggling to find another emotional anchor and her choice of Shane shows her low WIS score and her shifting alignment. As she gains experience she will find herself pitted against that same emotional anchor and will be forced to make a choice.

Carl – 1^st Fighter, Chaotic Good

Carl, son of Rick and Lori, is in a unique position. Due to his age, he’s not yet set in any single Class choice and he’s got the benefits of a pretty wide array of trainers around him. I’m going to suggest his Wisdom score is very high – he’s had too much happen to him not to be better for it. I’m also going to suggest he’s got an above average Intelligence (15). These are going to help him in whatever career he finally chooses. It looks like he’s working on another level of Fighter. His affinity for firearms seems to be growing every episode (perhaps dangerously so). But the boy’s wisdom must make him more than a simple fighter. He could end up as a cleric – the spiritual guide and voice of reason for a community of survivors. Likely, an upcoming betrayal by Shane on a scale that none in the group can image will impel Carl towards the Lawful Good alignment. As it stands, he simply doesn’t have the world experience to understand the necessary sacrifices that come with a Lawful Good alignment. We also know that he’s got more than 1d10 hit points – likely about 10 exactly and his father’s Paladin abilities (First Aid, Lay On Hands) were able to stabilize him when he was shot. It’s not too much of a stretch to see Carl adopting some new post zombie apocalypse religion. Regardless, Carl is going to end up with above average STR, DEX and CON stats to compliment his Wisdom.

Duane – 2^nd Thief, Chaotic Good

This poor lad, like Carl has the dubious benefit of experiencing entirely too much entirely too fast due to the topsy-turvy world of the Zombie Apocalypse. Living in a city forces almost all characters to become stealthy. Duane’s whereabouts are unknown – so we’re going to assume he’s still living in a cityscape with his father Morgan. Duane’s adding levels of Thief as a necessity, but likely will dual-class to Fighter or Ranger as he ages. His trauma with his mother will undoubtedly make him an excellent zombie killer – perhaps giving him a natural +1 to hit and damage all undead.

Morgan 6^th Fighter, Lawful Good

When we meet Morgan in Episode 2, we see him demonstrate conviction paired with incredible kindness and understanding. When given the information necessary to satisfy his core needs and beliefs (safety for self and Duane) he immediately offers food and shelter to Rick. Morgan’s Intelligence score is high (16-17) as he picks up the patterns and behaviors of the undead rapidly. However, he didn’t leave the city and neglected to accumulate much of an arsenal. He’s a survivor however, and with more than 55 hit points, we’ll see him again.

Theo – 4^th Fighter, Neutral Good

With only what seems to be a support role, Theo is relegated (unfairly) to the status of low-level jack-of-all-trades, only a stone’s throw above that of NPC. The Walking Dead is a series (campaign) that plants the seeds of tomorrows plot today. Theo is going to be a key character upon Merle’s return. In the meantime, we’ve got a fellow with a pretty high Constitution (15+ as he continually made his Save vs. Poison when his arm was infected) and a solid Strength (15+ as well). In more than one occasion, he’s been Johnny-On-The-Spot with a neatly placed shovel to the back of some undead heads. He’s a stalwart fighter – but perhaps a bit clumsy. His dropping of the Key that could have freed Merle was an accident. Further, his cutting of his own arm was an accident as well. Yes, Theo has a DEX low enough to incur a penalty to all DEX checks (9?).  He’s got a lot of hit points for his level, maybe 50 or more.

Merle  – 9^th Fighter, Lawful Evil

This monstrous creature is obviously Lawful Evil, firmly set in his beliefs and unable to hide them for even a moment. His battle-readiness and durability mark his as a fighter hands down. Add to that his healthy case of PTSD from the Marine Corps and we have a “name-level” Fighter, one or two steps from becoming a warlord with his own randomly generated back of followers. His survival skills are solid as are his Saves vs. Paralyze, Poison and probably Magic as well. I’m guessing his got an item or character trait that gives him a bonus to his Con (17). His strength is 17 maybe 18:01. He’s got a natural toughness, which adds to his Armor Class (it’d be DR 3.5 edition).  His Hit Points must be near 80. Merle is the archetypical villain warrior leading the armies of evil in so many AD&D campaigns. Can’t wait to see him again – it’ll be trouble for everyone, especially Daryl and Theo.

Carol – 1^st Fighter, Neutral Good

By the Mid-Season Finale of Season 2, Carol makes her choice. Until now, she’s been a plot device, one with depth certainly, and plausibility that should be lauded – but a plot device nonetheless. Now, with the death of Sophie – so visceral and brutal, completely inescapable, she’s reached the top of her character arc and is now ready to rocket down the other side. She’s going to take a Warrior Class, Ranger probably, and study under Daryl. As well, she’ll receive a visit from Lori and Dale designed to prop her up. Likely a strange friendship will grow between Carol and Lori (should Lori survive her time with Shane). Carol seems to lack physical Strength, but she’s never caught unless she wants to be. She’s high a high DEX (15+) and her Con, WIS and INT are above average (14+). Her STR is likely around 11. She’s got a lot of Hit Points (as is so sadly demonstrated by her relationship with her dead husband Ed.

Farm Folks

Hershel – 12^th Necromancer, Lawful Evil

Contrary to popular belief, Lawful Evil is only an opinion away from Lawful Good. An evil cleric who razes villages at the behest of his God can’t consider himself evil – he is “righteous.” Hershel is motivated by a higher purpose and he easily blurs the lines between acceptable and survival behaviors. We’re calling him a necromancer because he willingly blurs the lines between life and death – his inability or unwillingness to recognize the undead as no longer living, no longer people, violates all the social mores of civilization. Yet Hershel is able to not only maintain his belief system, but also spread it to his followers, influencing them in ways they likely don’t even realize. We’re giving him so many experience levels because of his ability as a surgeon (veterinarian or not) and a craftsman. He’s got a very low Wisdom – 12 or so, because he can’t see beyond his own belief system. But his Intelligence is easily 17 (which, a mage’s prime requisite gives him a 10% XP bonus). Of course, his “command undead” powers don’t work quite as nicely as they perhaps should, but we can easily see this guy as a benevolent apothecary or even a hedge-wizard who waddles about the village, always there to lend a hard – always there to help “bury” a loved one. Yes, Hershel is a Necromancer – and a closet Lich wannabe.

Beth – 0^th NPC, Neutral Good

I had to do some research to find out the name attached to this familiar face. According to 2^nd Edition AD&D, as a 0^th-level Non-player Character, Beth can make attacks but has only 0-4 hit points (1/2 hit die), so a solid fist could kill her. There’s a big part of me that says she’s only on the screen to add some dimension and up the plausible body count. However, as Maggie’s little sister, she has the ability to be a compelling plot device for a character that looks like she might stick around (Maggie) and of course, manipulate Glen as well. The alignment of Neutral Good is based on her lack of significant involvement in the group’s politics. While this could be contributed to her being a minor character (NPC), more likely, we’re expected to believe her age limits her influence. That said kids grow up fast in the post-apocalyptic world of The Walking Dead. A sixteen year old should not only be patrolling the perimeter and drilling with weapons, but likely focusing on a trade that will increase the over all odds of survival for the group (carpentry, metal working, chemistry). The jury is still out on whether Beth is a character or just NPC body count.

Maggie – 2^nd Ranger, Chaotic Good

It’s tempting to assign Maggie some Rogue class; but she’s not yet demonstrated much ability in that arena. So far, she’s just been the Farmer’s Daughter – a temptress and wild element thrown in distract some of our more stable but easily distracted characters. As we all know, even since the Conclave of Dungeons and Dragons Stereotypes in 1992, all Farmer’s Daughters are Rangers with 1d3 levels. Maggie hasn’t chosen her Species Enemy yet, nor has she demonstrated over-the-top woods lore, tracking or hunting abilities. She’s proficient in Animal Husbandry  (perhaps making her the only character in the history of AD&D to take the Non-weapon Proficiency slot). Maggie’s Chaotic Good alignment comes from her overall desire to do “right,” but an omnipresent selfishness gives her a chaotic streak that may in fact force her into either dual-classing to Fighter or Thief, or worse, simply losing her Ranger Status.

Jimmy – 3^rd Ranger, Chaotic Good

Chaotic Good is in my opinion the most common alignment in the world. It allows a character the comfort of civilization while enabling them to see to their own various worldviews, vendettas, opinions and beliefs. So, with less than 30 lines from Jimmy, we’re going to assign him the alignment of Chaotic Good. He’s bordering on making a change – his willingness to defy Hershel and assist Rick and his bunch implies knowledge and understanding of a “greater need” for good and community. Jimmy might switch over to Lawful Good by the end of Season 2. His weapon skills aren’t remarkable, but he’s alive, and hasn’t been branded a liability, so that counts for something. Ranger is appropriate due to his background and location on Hershel’s farm. Though the jury is still out – many of the folks in Hershel’s group seem to be in the mix for body count.

Patricia – 1^st Cleric, True Neutral

Patricia is Otis’ wife. She’s a dramatic addition, a reminder and downer all at once. She assists Hershel with the healing and first aid needs of the group, yet offers little else aside from chicken broth and maybe a Cure Light Wounds once per day. Her sadness at the loss of Otis will of course change her character. She now walks a dangerous path as True Neutral Character. Many Fighter-class players will argue that True Neutral is the most useful of alignments, enabling the character to willfully and even cheerfully take any action necessary to survive. They are incorrect – the alignment they are talking about is Chaotic Evil – the true Sociopath. Patricia knows her own lack of power and influence – Otis was her anchor and protector. She lacks real influence with Hershel and is a member of the community now only because of Hershel’s twisted views on charity, community and of course, life and death. Patricia may easily find herself becoming Chaotic Evil just to survive, or embracing Hershel’s worldview completely and adjusting her alignment to Lawful Evil. She might also make a complete moral recovery and shift to Neutral Good or even Lawful Good (mothers and wives tend to value life a little too much to stop for long as Chaotic Good).

Obviously what this group is missing is a 5^th Mage. A 5d6 Fireball would go a long way in the Zombie Apocalypse. There’s always next season.

If you enjoyed this you might also like The Problem With Undead, Zombies Again and A Good Night for Zombies

Designer Genes ®

Want to upgrade but don’t want to risk bionic rejection? Feel the need for speed but can’t spring for the cost of re-wired reflexes? Don’t bother with bionics or synthetics, you get enough artificial flavor in your Extra-Value Meat Flavor Five!

At Designer Genes ® we have the mods your bod’s been craving. From photovoltaic chameloeophores to deep-spectrum iris enhancements, we’ve got it – all in outpatient procedures! Feeling saucy? How about a leopard’s tail? The Purrfect surprise for your partner! Who says Club-Kiddies are the only ones who go in for enhancements?

Interested in something more practical? With our patented Super-Synapse-Syrum™ we can thin your skull to allow a dramatic increase in neural pathways, a completely non-invasive procedure! Be smarter today for a better tomorrow!

Designer Genes® isn’t just for adults. Thousands of lucky children are stepping in to Designer Genes® stores all over the country for the enhancements that will make them the super-stars of tomorrow. Speed, strength, dexterity, eyesight, you name it, we can amp it! We know you will do what’s best for your children, to give them every edge. Ask your sales rep about a Tiny Tinker modification plan, spaced out for your child as she grows!

Don’t risk bionic rejection, cyber-psychosis, don’t get stuck waiting for a firmware upgrade and don’t drop thousands on last years model! With Designer Genes® you have the best, right away, every day.

(excerpt from a piece I wrote for Spectacle Publishing Media Group)

Since it’s the season for horror writing (though I think true Zombie aficionados are always alert and wary for the possibility of an undead uprising, regardless of the time of year) I thought it’d be a good time to talk about a tidal wave of a trend in fiction. I’m guessing if you’re any sort of Zombie fan, you’ve read The Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z by Max Brooks. These two books, so well researched and cleverly assembled helped to make the concept of a species-ending epidemic or plague, very real, bringing them close to home at the same time, viewing such terrific events from a cool and clinical perspective. This perspective added a level of plausibility that the genre had lacked before. Max Brooks two books are clear, concise, informative and not the blood-spattered, hysterical screaming gore fests many of us have come to associate with the genre… (read the rest at www.spectaclepmg.com)

They were exhausted. Their once fine shirts, silk and golden traceries, were shredded and dirty, filthy with sweat and blood. They sat on the cold, worn stone steps, now slick with blood. Steam rose from the gore, tainting the fall morning air. At the base of the wide and winding stair lay a scrum of bodies, corpses of men-at-arms, peasants and nobles alike.

Of the two men sitting atop the stair, one was a horseman, the Baron of D’liesse. His warhorse, a roan he called Thunder, had been killed days ago by a volley of quarrels from archers in hiding. The Baron was of medium build and wore his jet hair short. Normally considered handsome, his face was a motley collection of scars and bruises, jagged tears of soft flesh, and deeper lacerations he’d hand stitched in the brief respite moments not unlike this one.

The Baron’s companion was a scribe, a historian and archivist, raised in the Great Temple-Libraries far to the south. His skin was golden by nature and his eyes dark, like his hair. The scribe was called Masuria, which meant collector in his native tongue. He too, could have been considered handsome by his civilizations standards, were it not for the bandage around his head, his split lip, and both blackened eyes.

Neither man said a word as they sat. The fall air was brisk, but a welcome relief after their seemingly endless exertions. Both had their backs to the heavy iron bound double doors of the temple called God’s Rest.

Drums beat in the distance, shushing the cautiously chirping morning birds, sending them fluttering in the sky.

“Again?” the Baron asked wearily.

“So it seems, Baron.”

The Baron took a deep pained breath. “Let just rest a bit here. They’ll come soon enough.”

The scribe, Masuria, just nodded his head.

“We had a good accounting for our selves.”

“That we did, Baron.”

“Look there.” The Baron pointed to a corpse some ten feet down the steps, still oozing rapidly freezing blood.

“Your Lordship?” Masuria turned his neck with a grimace.

“That man. There. The yellow tabard and blonde beard.”

“I see him, Baron.” The scribe nodded slowly as he spoke.

“I do believe that’s Alfrieg of Millor.”

The scribe nodded. “Indeed, I do believe it is.”

“Well, he was a cousin!” The Baron shook his head. “This has been some nasty business. Nasty indeed.”

“Agreed, Baron. I wonder how the armies fared?”

“I can see smoke in that direction, a lot of it. More than just a flag from horse.”

The scribe nodded. He understood all too well what that smoke meant to the town besieged.

“My God! That there!” The Baron flung his right glove down the steps, it landed next to man who’d been run through and brained by a heavy flanged mace, not necessarily in that order. “That’s the Viscount of Bellanor’s son!”

“Are you sure?” The scribe, despite himself, was somewhat flummoxed at the thought of dying in such prestigious company.

“Sure as sure. He used to fancy my sister and pay these gruelingly awkward visits to my family’s estates.”

“Then it’s a shame things came to this. He might have been your brother in law. And an ally.”

“’Tis true, but I never liked him much. He was hesher, through and through.”

“A hesher, Baron?”

“A mouth breather, scribe. He had no sense of how to comport himself in the company of his peers and betters.”

Masuria frowned inwardly. He’d dispatched easily fifteen or twenty invaders, defending this holy place. Though not a swordsman by trade, he was a quick study and found that his desire not to die in a horrible and messy way aided his technique significantly.

“Up, up, lad.” The Baron stood, slowly, working his stiff shoulders and knees as he stood. He groaned and raised his gore-covered saber. So tired was he that he’d neglected to wipe it clean after their last skirmish. “They’re coming again. Third?”

“Fourth wave, Baron.” Masuria stood and stretched likewise, taking a deep breath to try to still his quivering hands.

The sun was a flaring yellow-white, spearing its first few rays over the nearby hills, the eye-stinging shafts shot straight through the palisades of naked trees on the bluff. Moody clouds slid around above, splotches of grey and off-white.

The sound of boots and jangling armors rose up between the rumbling drums. Masuria and the Baron assume their stance and made ready to hold the curving staircase as long as they could. Resting on the carved stone banister next to them were two flint-lock pistols each.

The Duke of Geoffre led this next charge, supported by twenty quick-footed dragoons, who’d long ago expended their ammunition and lost their mounts. The Baron and Masuria drew their first pistol, each shooting a dragoon square in the chest. The shots punched right through the brittle breastplates of the dragoons and the men tumbled backwards, sending a handful of their compatriots sprawling. Upon seeing this indelicacy on the part of their enemy, the Baron and Masuria rushed forward, sword and drew their second pistol, spearing the men on the ground almost two at a time, and firing their second volley, such as it were, into the men charging towards them, then ran back to the top of the stairs.

“More yellow and green tabards.” Masuria commented, absently, between labored breaths.

“Aye, I noticed.”

Then, at once, the rest of Geoffre’s men, and the Duke himself were upon them. Sabers flitted about and men yelped in pain as the ragged edges of the now worn weapons tore and nipped at their flesh. Here and there, the scribe would thrust through an opponents leg and as he buckled, kick him down the gore and filth covered staircase. The Baron, for his part, was a trained soldier and relished the moment as only a superior swordsman, who is proving it to the world, could.

“Twist the blade when you land a good thrust.” The Baron said as he easily dispatched another dragoon, scouring out the man’s eye, and holing his brain with a rapid thrust.

“W-what? Why?” The scribe was struggling to hold his own, thankfully, the Baron was still wearing his colors and was not only seen a more dangerous target, but a better prize.

“The screaming will scare the piss out of the next charge.”

So, the scribe named Masuria began incorporate a little twist with each solid thrust, eliciting a scream of agony from each of his victims.

Finally, Geoffre himself stood toe-to-toe with the Baron.

“Warren, Baron of D’liesse, I presume?”

The Baron tilted his head and saluted with his dripping blade, flinging tissue and blood onto Geoffre’s spotless tabard, leaving a splotchy, jagged line from shoulder to hip. Geoffre frowned.

“Are you ready?” Geoffre raised his sword.

Masuria shot Geoffre in the face, who crumpled and spilled across the stairs like a torn sack of potatoes.

The Baron nodded and slid down to a seated position, as did Masuria. The morning was getting old, the winds unheard and the scent of so many freshly slaughtered corpses began to rise up, clinging to clothing and circling the nostrils of the two men.

“How much longer can this go on?” the Baron asked, rasping.

“Surely not much longer, Baron. Reinforcements for us or them must arrive.”

“Might I asked you, how a scribe so vicious and without ruth might have come to be one of the last defenders of God’s Rest?”

Masurai shrugged and reloaded his flint-locks. “Bad luck, really. I was just passing through. Delivering letters, really, when the whole countryside lit up with cannon and flame. I even think I saw a caster!”

“Bah! More like one of Gildenhern’s lords run awry.”

“What about you, Baron? Is it your holy duty to defend the Spire of God?”

“Me? No. I’m an atheist.”

The scribe was shocked, but clearly too tired to demonstrate his emotions using his body or face.

“But, then, why aren’t you fighting on the other side? Aren’t Gildenhern and his lot always on about the Truth of Man?”

“Yes, that’s right. They espouse a belief in mankind’s own freewill, our reliance upon one another.”

“And you think they’re wrong?”

The Baron laughed heartily, which rolled into a coughing fit. His face crunched up as he coughed, and a splatter of blood colored the back of his hand. He looked down at a wound in his torso and shook his head.

“No, scribe, they killed my horse.”

They connected the final data feed to the test subjects skull, shaved gleaming in the bright light of the laboratory. A clutch of wires grew from the base of his skull and spread out in all directions, leading to servers and computer systems racked up one upon another, their status lights twinkling like soft little green eyes, fairies or fireflies in strict unison.

The technicians cleared away from the cocoon in the center of the room. That’s what the techs had taken to calling it. They’d inserted a fully grown but heavily modified human being into stasis chair and over the weeks rebuilt him. His eyes were mostly flesh, or at least pods of protein jelly, like they were at his “birth” (uncorking), but millions photoreceptors had been built in the place of retinas by swarms of nanotech viruses. The nanites were injected through any intravenous port and swarm like salmon upstream, up the blood stream, to their destination to create and then die; broken apart by the subjects existing augmented white blood cells. What they left behind was then patched into an ever growing lattice of subcutaneous neural networks, data highways, also paved by nanoscopic engineers.

Outside the laboratory, Janet Hilden twisted a cigarette in her fingers. She sat in front three monitors, each feeding her graphic representations of data she could have rattled off while sleeping. Her work with synthetic tissue growth and nanite reconstruction was nothing short of miraculous.

But that was all child’s play compared to what she was about to do. She knew it would work, of course, or she never would have attempted it. The process was simple – translation of human thought, that is, chemo-electrical signals to electrical signals, base machine code that could be run through any one of her numerous peripheral processors. The Subject would control machines with thought. As the designated moment became clearer and closer, she continued manipulating the cigarette.

“Going to light it?” asked Paul.  She turned her pale green eyes to regard him, spinning her body slowly in her chair with a deft motion of her foot.

“Paul, do you have any idea what’s about to happen in the next room.”

“Some.” He shrugged. She despised him when he played stupid. He was handpicked from a catalogue of researchers, grad students, mumbling PhDs, and god-knows-who-else. The experiment in the room next him was as much his baby as it was hers.

“So, you’ve nothing witty to say when we break down the last barrier and free humanity from the greatest bottle-neck of traffic we’ve ever seen and will ever know?”

“You’re referring to the ability to interface with computers as fast as thought.”

“Obviously.” She sighed, rolling her eyes. She spun the smoke one last time and lit it.

“I’ve some thoughts, I suppose.” He said, waving the smoke from his face.

“Well, Pauly, care to share?”

“Yeah. Um… Maybe we shouldn’t?”

Kali sat next to me on the train. Her eyes were half closed, but I could see her irises were gold. She had six arms and each of her hands, beautifully manicured. Gold and bronze bracelets jingled softly as she shifted her arms. This Hindu goddess of destruction sat nearly motionless, as if in meditation. her only movement was a slight swaying as the train rocketed through the tunnel.

Her torso was nearly bare except for a golden chain bra that barely covered her three full breasts. Her legs were muscular and ended in talon-like feet. Around her neck and head hung several delicate chains made of gold.

Across from Kali sat a female parking cop. She had short-cropped black hair that stood up in all directions. It was cute in a boyish sort of way. She watched her feet as we rode the train, looking up only to steal an occasional glance at Kali the Destroyer. The meter maid had boring eyes, brown or maybe they were brown. Her hands were delicate, thin. Her skin was pale. I followed her eyes to her shoes. She wore matte black boots, clean, freshly oiled. Her whole body was straight, angular. Compared to Kali, she was like a small boy. She fidgeted with her book of parking tickets, flipping them like you would a deck of cards. Something about her said “desperation”. I named her Rita. I decided I liked Rita.

Next to the meter maid was a proctologist. I could tell her was a proctologist because under his coat was a name tag that read “A.S. Ore – Proctology”. I surmised it stood for Arthur Samuel or even Assisting Surgeon. Part of me wanted to believe it stood for Ass Searcher. He looked tired. Cranky. His blonde hair was perfect, oil slicked back. Around his neck was a small silver chain with a small cross dangling vulnerably. He tapped his feet and fiddled with his cell phone. As if handling it would make it work better, or make that important person call him back even sooner. I followed his gaze to Kali’s three golden breasts. He stared blatantly, as if it were his right. Considering his occupation, maybe it was. His hands were big, rough. I always imagined a proctologist would have soft and nimble hands. I did not like this impatient proctologist. I named him Anal Satisfaction.

So there I was, trapped on the train with Kali, Hindu Goddess of Destruction, Lovely Rita, the Meter Maid, and Anal Satisfaction, the pissed off Proctologist.

I decided I would see what sort of conversation I could start off between the four of us.

“I like your bracelets.” I said awkwardly to Kali. Her eyes flicked open and she turned to face me.

“Thank you.” Her voice was deep and melodic, “They are gifts from a demon who proclaims his love for me.”

“They’re lovely.” Rita piped up, her voice squeaky.

“Did you say Demon?” Anal Satisfaction asked.

“Yes.” Kali replied. “A Demon. Kolvatarynya, Lord of the Seventh Hell and the Burning Plains.”

“He sounds successful. How long have you know him…?” Rita asked, leaning forward.

“Many thousands of years.” Kali replied.

“So it’s a pretty serious relationship then?”

Here it is for Nook! Buy it! Read it! Review it!

Many would have us believe that contemporary society need only worry about zombies, shambling piles of rot that groan and reek of decay, warning us of their imminent approach. This is untrue. Since the dawn of mankind we’ve been plagued by a variety of undead, truly numerous in their subspecies.

For brevity and ease of categorization, undead shall be broken up into three primary categories determined by their primary unique attribute.

Thinking Undead

First and perhaps most dangerous are the thinking undead. These creatures range in scope from master vampires, creatures of such age and staggering malevolence that to simply witness them would scar a mind, to automaton guardians, enacting simple to complex instructions, but with no real will of their own. Then of course there’s the more enigmatic undead, like the sorcerous lich or the dreaded Eye of Fear and Flame. Revenants and Heucuva like somewhere in between the animated slave-corpses and the master plotters within the shadows.

When dealing with thinking undead, all bets are off, and knowledge is truly your only ally. Safely assume the undead creature, no matter its subspecies, has lived significantly longer than you. You will not be the first foolhardy soul to attempt to its destruction. It will anticipate your tricks, your tactics will be old hat, your skills, will be sub-par. The only chance one truly has of defeating a thinking undead is personal knowledge of the undead itself. Knowing where a lich stores his phylactery, for example will allow you to sever the fiend’s connection with the dark forces that keep it whole. Knowing the true name of a vampire will freeze it, for a short time. It is also said that The Eye of Fear and Flame may demand conversation and only the wisest should dare try to match wits with the thing. Each thinking undead will be a special case, the circumstances so varied that no hard and fast rules can really apply.

However, there are a few tactics that should always be employed against superior forces.

-       Attack from range: anything that keeps you out of arms length is more valuable than you can know.

-       Pole weapons are logical but generally have no effect on skeletal bodies or desiccated tissue.

-       Shotguns and automatic weapons are moderately effective, provided they are immediately followed up with the appropriate coup de gras (stake in the heart for vampires, destruction of the phylactery for liches).

-       Flame: fire tends to drive all thinking creatures back, even the undead. Some say it’s a instinct left over from their mortal life. (More on this later)

-       Wolf Pack: always attack in numbers. Always.

Spontaneous Undead

The next type of undead are loosely termed “spontaneous occurrence undead.” This includes skeletons, ghosts, wraiths and the like. These undead, also called after-shock manifestations, spontaneously occur when a burst of intense emotional energy is released. The skeleton army of Sheikara was one such event. Historians could easily identify the risen by their accoutrements, consisting evenly of about half 3^rd century BCE Persian and Egyptian craft. The Five Hauntings of Shaedellery Road is another such example; after a gruesome murder, the entire family of five manifested as wraiths. NOTE: poltergeists are not technically undead. They are more accurately described as capricious or malevolent energy patterns. They often anthropomorphize so that they might more easily interact with their victims.

Disposal, or dissipation of spontaneous undead is often the realm of clergy. Clerics and Priests of various faiths all have their own methods, ritually prescribed techniques for dis-corporating spontaneous undead.

Baring a cleric’s intervention, or the presence of a significant positive energy source, a bludgeon is most effective against skeletons. Bones become quite brittle without fresh blood nourishing the marrow. A mace, aluminum baseball bat, even a shovel are highly effective against physically present spontaneous undead. NOTE: incorporeal undead CANNOT be dealt with in this fashion. The touch of a wraith is deadly to most mortals and confrontation without prior experience and prepared clergy is discouraged.

Infectious Undead

As with all things in the 21^st century, our undead problem has become acute and extreme. Vampires and skeletal hordes have, fortunately, changed little since recorded time began. In fact, regional variants in undead show even less deviance than in living creatures. This of course would have to do with the lack of evolutional opportunity within the undead life cycle.

However, much to our detriment, we’ve been introduced to entire new strains of undead. These creatures are known as the Infectious Undead. These particular undead may not have “life,” but they are hosts to a variety of life forms, bacteria, viruses and parasites. These life forms are often what drive the life cycle of the infectious undead. Through bodily fluids, a variety of “zombifying” viruses are transmitted. Rage, Morning Star, Necrotitis Ambulatoria, the names for the “zombie plague” are as numerous as the undead that carry it. It is these infectious undead that we must be particularly concerned with.

Further, there is an in-between life and undeath state for many hosts of these viruses. Specifically, Rage drives the infected into a killing frenzy where all rational thought ceases. In this state, the body slowly dies, while the virus multiplies exponentially. Every aspect of the infected then becomes contagious, as the thing is rife with bacteria and disease.

Worth a brief mention are Brain Parasites and Yellow Musk Zombies.

Brain Parasites take root within the parietal lobe of any available host. They multiply within hours and in addition to driving the victim mad, cause him or her to seek out others of their kind, in which to implant new parasites. While technically this is an infectious zombie-like state, the brain parasite zombie is in fact not undead, thus conventional methods of eradication (with contagion precautions) can be employed with reasonable effectiveness.

The Yellow Musk Zombie, like the Brain Parasite, is in fact a zombie, but again is technically not undead. The Yellow Musk Zombie is created when an individual breathes in the poisonous pollen of a Yellow Musk Creeper Vine. This vine then feeds on the liquid nutrients within the victim’s body. Once drained, a root system takes hold within the victim’s corpse, taking advantage of the skeletal structure to facilitate mobility and thus reproduction. Fire is the best way to deal with this particular menace.

This brings us to some basic facts about dealing with Infectious Undead.

Combat

There are several recommended techniques for engaging infectious undead. Make no mistake, the only safe way of dealing with infectious undead is to not deal with them. Avoid them at all costs. Depending on the particular strain of infection, they may rot away, starve or simply cease to become animate. Some may not.

Some strains may be highly motivated, ambulatory and aggressive. Instances of reasoning have been recorded, though witnesses were highly agitated and potentially unreliable. Regardless, reason would push infectious undead into the category of thinking undead, like the Ghast. Other strains of zombies may simply wander about, feeding like scavengers and hunters of opportunity.

Much of this has been covered in the definitive work, The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks. However, I feel after actual practice and encounters with infectious undead, a few brief addendums are necessary.

Ranged, high kinetic yield weapons like shotguns or rifles are effective at hindering the undead, but as we all know, destroying the brain is the only way to end them permanently. Shotguns allow little luxury for error and tend to spray infectious material in all directions with a successful hit. Rifles on the other hand, require precision and patience, both of which are hard to manifest in the face of an onrushing horde of zombies. Further, a rifle round can travel through one, two or a dozen undead before striking a brain, doing little but exposing your position.

-       A properly equipped fire team will have a mix of long and medium ranged weapons. Medium -range weapons function as close support for the long-range weapons.

-       A successful fire team will be highly mobile. When choosing a position for confrontation, expect to advance and withdraw many times throughout the engagement. This tidal-effect will give the fire team the ability add and decrease range with the increase or decrease of infectious undead present.

-       Explosives simply spread the plague.

-       Unless you are an excellent shot, all your pistol is good for is saving your self a painful death.

Melee

Conventional undead battling technique would have us all believe that fire is an appropriate method with which to purge the undead. Fire cleanses everything, or at least, so they’ve always told us. The effectiveness of fire depends greatly on the sub-category of infectious undead. Those afflicted with Rage will simply run about setting other things on fire. The truly undead are incapable of rapid movement and thus fire becomes much more effective. As fire destroys tissue, the undead collapse in upon themselves and become harmless piles of ash. That said one must be extremely careful not to breathe the fumes of a burning zombie. Further, the long-term ecological effects cannot with any accuracy be assessed (and are beyond the scope of this essay). Finally, be aware that to completely destroy a human body, recently deceased, the flames much reach a temperature of at least 760 to 1150 °C (1400 to 2100 °F) for a considerable time. No mean feat for a highly mobile fire team potentially low on supplies.

Engaging infectious undead in melee is perhaps one of the most terrifying endeavors available for a person, even an adventurer or mercenary. The sheer numbers, voracity and single-mindedness of the infectious undead invariably startle even the most battle-hardened soldier. Hand-to-hand combat is even moreso.

Many essays have been written on the best weapon for dealing with zombies, company’s fortunes have waxed and waned due to the perceived effectiveness of their new anti-undead weapons. However, as any veteran of undead combat will tell you, an aluminum baseball bat is really all you need. Amateurs will insist their favorite D&D weapon is best. This is foolish. Edged weapons get caught in bones and don’t deliver killing blows often enough to the walking dead. The only vaguely acceptable medieval weapon would be a mace. Blunt force will shatter bones and with a trained or adequately strong arm, easily shatter a skull. That said, woe to any who just up leap into zombie melee with a hammer or mallet. Again, an aluminum baseball bat is the best choice – its smooth surface prevents contagion from clinging, makes the weapon easy to clean and most of us have been swinging baseball bats since we could walk. The weapon is light, easily carried and intuitive.

1. Brooks, Max. World War Z: an Oral History of the Zombie War. New York: Crown, 2006.
2. Brooks, Max, and Ibraim Roberson. The Zombie Survival Guide: Recorded Attacks. New York: Three Rivers, 2009. Print.
3. Recht, Z.A. Plague of the Dead The Morningstar Saga. Pocket, 2009. Print.
4. Brown, Eric S. Season of Rot. [S.l.]: Permuted, 2009. Print.
5. Bourne, J. L. Day by Day Armageddon. New York: Pocket, 2009. Print.
6. Kirkman, Robert, and Charles Adlard. The Walking Dead. Orange, CA: Image Comics, 2007. Print.
7. Mearls, Mike, Stephen Schubert, and James Wyatt. Monster Manual: Roleplaying Game Core Rules. Renton, WA: Wizards of the Coast, 2008. Print.
8. Turnbull, Don. Fiend Folio: Tome of Creatures Malevolent and Benign : an Alphabetical Listing of Monsters for Use with Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Adventures … Lake Geneva, WI: TSR Hobbies, 1981. Print.
9. 28 Weeks Later. Dir. Juan Carlos Fresnadillo. By Juan Carlos Fresnadillo. Fox Atomic, 2007. DVD.
10. Night of the Living Dead. Dir. George A. Romero. By George A. Romero, George A. Romero, and George A. Romero. New Age Video, 1968. DVD.

Upon further consideration, I feel compelled to comment on the author’s use of space. Not outer space, just space in general. In my first review of Ender’s Game, I wrote about the story and Orson Scott Card’s political and social views. He’s a little right of reasonable, but dodges the crux of the issue quite well. I felt that perhaps I was cheating readers by not discussing the actual writing of the book.

So the author’s use of space… is awkward. Each and every scene seems to occur in a vacuum, only the briefest attention given to the details of the location. Settings become rough layouts of rooms with noticeable obstacles. The fine details that we would expect our narrator to present to us through the magnificently observant eyes of young Ender Wiggan don’t occur.

It is possible the author intentionally left the settings sparse for mood and out of logical reason; space is cold and empty, extra clutter is dangerous and Ender lives in a cold and empty world. But that’s cheating.

Ender is not cold and empty, thus even though the world he lives in might be immaculate or sparse, Ender’s perceptions should have colored it a multitude of hues, from a tiny spittle of rust on a seldom used access hatch, to a flicker or twitch in the eyes of his arch-nemesis, Bonzo.

Further, Ender’s insight came from nowhere. The more I ponder this the more troubling it becomes. The character saved the world – but how? His magical intellect grew from what seem to be two very average parents. In the beginning of the book, some pretense is made towards the monitoring and selection of special children. This is fine in the beginning, but as the world’s hopes come to rest squarely on Ender, his abilities outstrip even the most senior of military commanders. As readers we need more. We need some assurance of plausibility; some reason that this is all possible. The author fails to deliver.